Opposite action

Fits the facts when

• Your life, health, or well-being is threatened — or that of someone you care about.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Do the thing you are afraid of — over and over.
• Approach the places, tasks, and people you fear.
• Do things that give you a sense of control and mastery over the fear.

All the way

• Keep your eyes and ears open on the feared thing; look around slowly.
• Take in the information — notice that you are safe.
• Head up, shoulders back and relaxed, steady confident voice.
• Change your body chemistry with paced breathing: in deep, out slow.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Remove or avoid the threat.
• Do what gives you control and mastery over it.
• Freeze or get away if danger is near.

Fits the facts when

• An important goal is blocked or something you want to do is stopped.
• You or someone you care about is attacked, hurt, insulted, or threatened.
• Your group’s integrity or status is offended or threatened.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Gently avoid the person instead of attacking.
• Take a time out; breathe in deep and out slow.
• Do something a little kind instead of mean.

All the way

• Imagine understanding them — step into their shoes and picture reasons it could have happened.
• Willing hands: unclench, palms up, fingers loose. Relax chest, belly, jaw, and face. Half-smile.
• Change body chemistry: paced breathing, or burn it off with a run or other hard exercise.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Work to overcome the obstacle to your goal.
• Use DEAR MAN to address attacks, insults, or threats.
• Fight back only if attacked and there’s nothing to lose by doing so.

Fits the facts when

• Something could poison or contaminate you.
• Someone you deeply dislike is touching you or someone you care about.
• A person or group’s behavior could seriously harm you or your group.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Move close to what you found disgusting.
• Be kind to the person you feel contempt for.

All the way

• Imagine understanding the person; picture the reasons behind how they act or look.
• Take in what feels repulsive.
• Willing hands; relax chest, belly, teeth, and face.
• Paced breathing: in deep, out slow.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Remove or clean up what’s revolting.
• Avoid or push away people or things that are truly harmful.
• Influence others to stop harmful actions.

Fits the facts when

• Another person or group has something you want or need and don’t have.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Hold back from damaging what the other person has.
• Count your blessings — write down what you’re thankful for.

All the way

• Count all your blessings: don’t discount yours or exaggerate what you lack.
• Stop inflating the other person’s worth — check the facts.
• Willing hands, relaxed face, half-smile.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Work to improve yourself and your life.
• Push for fairness.
• Spend less time around people who have more than you, if that helps.

Fits the facts when

• Someone threatens to take away a very important relationship or thing.
• An important relationship is in danger of being damaged or lost.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Let go of trying to control the other person.
• Share the people and things in your life.

All the way

• Stop spying or snooping.
• Don’t avoid: listen to the details, eyes open, take in all the information.
• Willing hands, relaxed body, half-smile, paced breathing.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Protect what you have.
• Work at being more desirable in the relationship.
• Leave the relationship if that’s what Wise Mind says.

Fits the facts when

• Loving this person, animal, or thing improves your life and the lives of people you care about.
• It helps you reach your own goals.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Avoid the person you love when the love doesn’t fit the facts.
• Distract yourself from thoughts of them.
• Remind yourself why the love isn’t justified when loving thoughts come up.

All the way

• Avoid reminders — photos, messages, places, belongings. Don’t follow or look for them.
• Stop expressing love for them, even to friends.
• Around them: no leaning in, no getting close enough to touch, no gazing.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Be with them; express it.
• Avoid separations when you can.

Fits the facts when

• You’ve lost something or someone permanently.
• Things aren’t the way you wanted, expected, or hoped.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Get active; approach people and situations.
• Avoid avoiding.
• Build mastery — do something that makes you feel capable.
• Add pleasant events.

All the way

• Pay attention to the present moment, detail by detail.
• Bright posture: head up, eyes open, shoulders back; upbeat voice.
• Move your body — walk, run, exercise.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Grieve. Let it be what it is.
• Retrieve or replace what was lost if you can.
• Plan how to rebuild a life worth living. Ask for help and accept it.

Fits the facts when

• You’d be rejected by a person or group you care about if this part of you or your behavior became known.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Share it with people who won’t reject you.
• Repeat the behavior, without hiding, around people who won’t reject you (when it doesn’t violate your values).
• If you did violate your values: apologize, repair, commit to doing differently, accept the consequences gracefully.

All the way

• If you did nothing wrong: no apologizing or making up for it.
• Take in all the information.
• Head up, chest out, eye contact, steady clear voice.
• Forgive yourself, acknowledge the causes of what you did, and let it go.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Hide what would get you rejected, or change to fit in — if that’s what you want.
• Find a group that fits your values.

Fits the facts when

• Your behavior goes against your own values or moral code.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• If it doesn’t violate your values: keep doing it openly around people who won’t reject you.
• Use interpersonal skills, or find a group that fits your values.

All the way

• Validate yourself.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Seek forgiveness. Repair the harm — or help prevent similar harm to others.
• Commit to not repeating it. Accept the consequences gracefully, then let it go.

Fits the facts when

• You really do have more to handle right now than you can.

If it doesn’t fit — opposite action

• Make a short list.
• Do the first thing on it.
• “Just this one moment, just this one task.”

All the way

• One thing at a time — when you’re doing it, do only that.

If it fits — act on it or problem-solve

• Reduce or put off low-priority demands.
• Ask others for help, and say no when you need to.